I have failed. Now what?

I think no therapy nor therapist could really help me here, but even writing this to myself is already a kind of therapy, I believe. Oh the irony.

Just few months ago all I wanted was to develop a film. I've failed. At least I did get a good gag from it. Eventually I will come back to this...

As it turns out, all the "extra time" I thought I had (the whole year of 2014), now I think I don't. And 5 months have elapsed as well. Also, just as I expected, it is very hard to write a film script, let alone an awesome one. Don't get me wrong, I do have many ideas and I would make a great movie, but I do need peace of mind to organize thoughts and materialize them. And that's the main luxury I don't have for too many years now. Talk about a writer's block! (not that I'm a writer, but I wannabe)

For over 15 years I've been working mostly as a programmer. A software developer. And I've also failed. From this I don't know what good I've got, other than living rather fine and experiencing failure over failure. Yes, I'm experienced at something so "valuable" nobody in the job market gives a shit. I know many ways to fail.

Back in 2005 I've tried moving out, with a very good chance of success, I thought at the time. I went to the USA, where my brother was just married to an american, for some tourism and to try and find a job. I did find a job, I managed to extend my visa for 1 year, but I've failed yet again. The job couldn't provide me with a work visa and I went back to Brazil in order to not stay illegal. Now I got 2 family members there, my brother is a naturalized citizenship, but I'm not allowed even to visit them anymore!

Now what?

I did have a plan B, which also have bombed away. I wanted to make a very small game, based on many of my principles, so I could finally have a decent portfolio. But a portfolio of what? Being a programmer? I've actually already decided that's not something I want to be anymore, because I never was good enough at it. I really need to move away from it.

I know from my experience and friends I wouldn't be able to do that game in less than 6 months. Heck, I couldn't do it over the past 20 years! I've been trying to begin doing something but never did. I don't have to build a business plan to know that, this would sure fail if I tried as well.

Now, I was and I still am a great programmer, but I'm not among the top, I will never be. I never really wanted to be. But there is no single regular categorized profession I fit in. Not that I know of, at least. I've searched a lot, I've took counseling, I went to therapy, I've read many books. And damn, I hate reading books.

I am also a great analyst, an awesome very general computer guy, and I'd love to try and share a company ownership to be able to make some decisions. So there, I do know somethings about me, I do know a general goal I've got, where I came from... But I still don't know what's next!

So that game is still all I've got. Like the film, I guess I need to start taking notes and building it, along with the company, little by little, from zero. With no investment, no capital and maybe gathering whoever I can. Harvesting the crowd, if possible. That sounds like a new plan, but it's yet the same plan B slightly modified for some kind of crowdsourcing (not funding) which I still haven't found (I did find a close one, but it's for americans only).

And, in fact, both plan A and plan B do not exclude each other. They both are in the same "entertainment / education / information" direction I've always wanted to be.

I suppose I could also try and modify plan B in other ways, such as looking for partners, investments, etc. Or maybe I should actually go with plan C and do something else entirely, such as trying to make an Existential Detective Office (fuck, that would be an awesome job!). I doubt it that's the case, but...

I don't know!

I feel like trying to resolve Primer's timeline!

Gotta love some XKCD's comics. This is one of those!

More than that, I believe the far and beyond best thing I can invest in is on moving out of this country, which means, investing in myself. But even for that, my savings are quite too little. It can buy me about a year in Germany, in which I'd need to be studying, and maybe around 1 year in New Zealand, also studying. One problem there is I don't really want to go to college now, since I can't really pay for the whole 3 to 4 years. Which is also the biggest reason why I never finished college - never had enough money. Never had enough time. Which translates to "I've never ever had enough peace of mind to actually study hard", like I did when I was young, naive and studying to get into college.

I never stopped studying, though. This year, for instance, I'm doing Computer Science on edX, with awesome courses from Harvard and MIT, which don't really add anything new to my basics, but do consolidate what I know, and introduce some new stuff such as scratch (in which I've made a little game in less than a week). Too bad it's so limited. I've always invested much time in reading and learning online, despite of any course. It's also another reason I despise most traditional schools. They're just playgrounds. But they might be my only path to get in a nice country this year and, who knows, learn a new thing or two. As playgrounds, they do work for meeting people as well, and if they're free, at least it's not "despisable" (if that's even a word).

In any case...

While I can't define a single path to follow, the single focal point anyone need to actually accomplish anything in life, I'll just keep shooting "to every side", or at least shooting to all those options I've mentioned: trying to move out; seeking a new worthwhile job; plan B; etc. I still hope I can do at least something on plan B... Some news do get me excited once in a while, but reality have always crushed my available time and mindset.

And all this could be just the tip of the iceberg, regarding my life plans and future path, thanks to the blanket! :-o


If you did read it all, if you can identify even a little, if you missed no spot of this little story, and if you will, please, do leave your opinion! I'd love to hear as many opinions as possible with this question in mind: What would you do in my place?
This is a companion discussion topic for the original entry at http://www.cregox.com/blog/2014/05/i-have-failed-now-what.html

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